As many of you know, I like my little cottage – the house I’m renting while I write my thesis. Sure, it has its fair share of insect life: what self-respecting cottage doesn’t? But I like that it’s tiny, with whimsical french windows and doors. It has has window boxes which are woefully neglected, but doggedly continue to sprout loyal flora. It’s quiet, shady and secluded. Or at least it was, until the Bamboo Ninjas arrived on Monday morning.

My lovely cottage – perfect idyll for aspiring princesses and linguists.

Apparently, the bamboo grove along the wall of my yard started making trouble in my neighbourhood. Since I don’t have an Auntie and Uncle in Bel Air, another solution needed to be found. You see, thanks to the “ignore and neglect” method of gardening, espoused by both my landlady and myself, the bamboo had flourished, and towered above the 3-storey building next to me. Sadly, this meant that my neighbours couldn’t open and close their windows without getting a room full of bamboo leaves and branches. I can fully understand their displeasure, and why they mentioned it to my landlady.

Pay no attention to the cat in the basket. Check out the gorgeous bamboo grove behind her.

On Monday, a blue truck arrived, full of ninjas. Some sticklers for precision might contend that they weren’t really ninjas, but since they wore full face masks, and carried big swords machetes, and could become completely invisible as they worked, I’m pretty sure they were ninjas.

My yard, full of invisible ninjas chopping down my bamboo.

By Tuesday afternoon, their work was complete. My neighbours can now open and close their windows with ease. My shady, secluded yard is sunny and bright. (The morning sun managed to make its way into my bedroom before 6am.) My leafy grove is a row of 5-foot tall jumbo-grass stubble. My cottage looks like it’s been the victim of a terrible haircut…which may be why you never hear of ninjas retiring and becoming barbers.

The Japanese word age-otori means ‘to look worse after a haircut’. I wonder if it also applies to landscaping done by ninjas?

*Warning: This post contains pictures of lizards mating, mangoes boiling, and a lazy cat – any of which may be disturbing for some readers.*

My kitchen is tiny. Not as tiny as this one in my former apartment, but still tiny.

“I hope the Blue Faerie will turn me into a real kitchen someday!”

Since it’s so small, not much happens in it. In the morning, coffee gets brewed, an egg gets fried and a slice of bread gets toasted. On a good day, the 3 resulting dirty dishes might get washed. That’s about it. (Unless the cat uses the space to practice some sort of extravagant cabaret show while I’m out…)

Um…yeah, that’s not likely.

Cat shenanigans notwithstanding, my kitchen has seen a lot more action this week than it usually does. And yes, I do mean action. ‘Tis the season when a young lizard’s fancy turns to thoughts of…CPR. I came home the other day and interrupted a Gecko 1st Aid class in progress on my kitchen wall:

“Henri, we have been spotted! Quick, pretend you’re giving me the Heimlich maneuver!”

Not to be outdone by the lizards, I decided to spice things up a bit myself. Uhh..let me re-phrase that. I really started to get things cooking. Hmm, no, that doesn’t sound quite right either. Y’know what? There is just no appropriate Grandma-might-be-reading-this way to transition from taking pictures of lizard sex CPR to making mango chutney. Except maybe to say, “A few days later, I made mango chutney.”

A few days later, I made mango chutney. My neighbour had picked a gazillion mangoes off my tree, and gave me a giant basket full of yumminess. I shared lots of them, but was still left with nearly a dozen delicious, juicy mangoes to use up. In a sudden burst of domestic fervor, I dug out my saucepan, bought some canning jars, Googled a recipe, read for a while, painted my toenails, did some laundry, and eventually set to work. The recipe called for crystallized ginger, and red pepper flakes. Why use those when fresh ginger and fresh chillies abound?

This is a photo of an awesome pot of chutney…with a not-so-awesome caption.

The bright yellow/orange mangoes and the fiery red chilies in a sweet and tangy sauce make the perfect companion to almost any meal in this wet and rainy season.

Uh-oh.

I’ve just made an uncomfortable discovery. I don’t actually make meals in my kitchen. Why on earth did I make a condiment to go with them!? It’s like handing someone a bottle of ketchup and saying, “Here, look at this pretty ketchup, and imagine how good it would taste if you had a burger to put it on.” Drat!

I guess the lizards are going to have to find a new venue for their 1st aid classes, and the cat is going to have to have cabaret practice in the living room. It looks like I’ll be gettin’ busy (Sorry, Grandma!) in my kitchen after all.