Adventures in Zombie Lizards

Early this morning, (well, to be accurate, it was only early-ish) I was preparing a nice cup of oolong tea and unwrapping the remains of last night’s calzone.  My plan was to sit out on my balcony and enjoy the leisurely pace of a holiday morning breakfast before hunkering down with my phonology.

As I approached my patio door, I saw a lifeless lizard with only 1/2 a face on my balcony.  I thought to myself, ‘Poor lizard’, ‘Oh gross that’s going to spoil my calzone’, and ‘Where’s it’s face?’ all at the same time.  I put my calzone and tea cup back on the counter and went to fetch my broom. 

Moments later, I returned with the broom ready to sweep the poor critter up; the poor critter was gone!  I opened the door and looked all over the balcony – walls, floor, ceiling – there was no faceless lizard to be seen.  I figured a bird must have swooped in and picked up an early morning happy meal to go.  I returned the broom to the cupboard, returned my tea and calzone to my hands, opened the balcony door…and nearly stepped on the faceless lizard!  It was back, and in a different location. 

Slightly creeped out, I went for the broom again, only to discover that the lizard was gone: again.  

Honestly – how far and how fast can a lifeless faceless lizard move!!??  I was starting to think I may have been mistaken about the lifeless, but the faceless part was tough to miss.  I finally concluded that I had a zombie lizard on my balcony, and if s/he wanted to stay there, that was fine with me – but I was going to have my breakfast indoors.

During the course of the day, I’d peek out and sometimes I’d see the zombie lizard and sometimes I wouldn’t.  I never did  see it move.  Eventually, late in the afternoon, I did see it, surrounded by a gathering swarm of industrious ants.  That time, when I went for the broom, s/he didn’t disappear.  

I learned two things today:

1. Dead things, even little lizards, make me sad. 

2. The only way to crush a zombie rebellion is with ants – lots and lots of ants.


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